Fifty Pickles and a Large Fish
by Graham Chapman
Summary: Hilarity Ensues. Or do I mean hysteria ensues?
1. Chapter the Whole Story

FIFTY PICKLES AND A LARGE FISH

The universe is a surprisingly complicated and interconnected place.

For example, Arthur Dent had always assumed that one of his closest friends, Ford Prefect, was a perfectly normal, descended from an ape, human being, who sometimes got a little too wild at parties. As it turns out, this very safe assumption was entirely incorrect because, in fact, Ford Prefect was a humanoid life form from somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.

This following this discovery were a lot of surprising and complicated happenings including the destruction of the Earth, near abduction by mice, and many, many situations of almost certain death.

As can be expected, Arthur Dent was rather miserable during this time although it might have been alright if he had just been provided with a constant supply of tea and the occasional McDonald's hamburger.

Ford Prefect thought anything was better than being trapped on a planet where they still thought digital watches were a rather neat idea.

Incidentally, the three teenage girls sitting in the halls of their high school thought it would be a rather neat idea if they were part of the Hitchhiker's Guide trilogy. If Arthur Dent had been informed of this, he would have found it more than odd as he wasn't aware he was a fictional character. The author writing about the girls at this point would have probably written that the girls felt very smart for knowing Arthur was a fictional character which would have been silly of them since they were fictional characters and weren't aware of this point either.

One of the girls had just sat on and crushed an entire miniature civilization which had moved to our galaxy for more space. As this sort of thing happens all the time, it is important not to pay too much attention to it.

The names of the girls were Penny Harrison, Marion McCartney, and Leah Lennon. These names were, by a staggering co-incidence, the names of several band members in the Ooblex Crush, a band which Ford thought was pretty nifty.

At the moment, the three girls were involved in writing a round robin. Penny had just written the number 1:3 452 542, which happened to be the exact improbability factor of herself, Marion, and Leah all being crossed over in to the Hitchhiker's Guide trilogy on to the deck of the Heart of Gold. No doubt Penny had some other reason for writing the number, but at that moment, Zaphod Beeblebrox had just turned on the improbability drive.

"Holy Crap!" exclaimed Marion.

Zaphod Beeblebrox was probably one of the most improbable beings this side of the galaxy. Just the fact that he was still alive was enough to keep four improbabilitists working for a week. At the moment, Zaphod was involved in a quest to wreck vengeance his former private brain care specialist, Gag Halfrunt. With him were his girlfriend, Trillian, Ford, and Arthur.

"What just happened? I've spilt my tea," Arthur complained.

What just happened was exactly what Penny, Leah, and Marion were wondering.

Leah was really excited as this was the sort of thing she'd always hoped would happen to her. "This is so cool!" she exclaimed.

Penny wasn't surprised at all because she had already known what was going to happen (seeing as she had written it).

A small PA system cackled to life. "What are your names?" it asked in an intelligent female voice.

"Erm, Marion McCartney, Leah Lennon, and Penny Harrison."

"They say their names are Marion McCartney, Leah Lennon, and Penny Harrison," the owner of the intelligent voice, Trillian, informed the crew.

Ford and Zaphod got really excited. "No jokes? We've picked up a large portion of the Ooblex Crush?!"

"Send them up, then, should I?" asked Trillain impatiently.

"I—Yes!" Ford exclaimed.

"Hey, this is really cool, the Ooblex Crush, man!" said Zaphod happily.

"Sounds disgusting to me," said Arthur.

"Remind me why Earthman is here again?" Zaphod asked Ford.

"I've forgotten," Ford said seriously. "I think it had something to do with a jar of pickles."

"Thank you for making a simple door very happy," said the door. The four heard someone clapping and making a noise of glee. "G-Yes!" said an enthusiastic voice. "This is just like the book!"

Zaphod shrugged.

The door said it again as it opened on to the main control room where Arthur, Ford, Trillian were standing.

"That's probably going to get annoying, eventually," said a sensible voice. The voice belonged to a short, brown haired teenager with spectacular eyebrows. Standing beside the girl, in a state of advanced glee, was another girl, tall with auburn hair and glasses. Following shortly after came a girl with very tangly blond hair.

Ford and Zaphod gibbered.

"What the photon?"

It was clear the girls looked nothing like their namesakes in the band.

Here's what the Hitchhiker's Guide has to say about advanced glee:

_'You know when something you really, really want to happen, happens? Well, that's what this is like. It's just really the greatest thing to ever happen to you. When you have one, you just want to have twenty more—' _(This part of the definition was copied off a box of chocolates. Beyond this point, it simply becomes too obvious.) '---_A small race on the planet Alpha Zex 9 enjoyed advanced glee so much, they tried to have it all the time. The whole population eventually died of an overdose of happiness.'_

Arthur tripped and his cup of tea flew out of his hands and landed on Leah's foot. Her state of advanced glee ended abruptly.

"Who are you?" asked Zaphod, immediately suspicious.

"Humans—from Earth," said Penny.

"Are you really?" asked Arthur, surprised.

"No," said Penny solemnly.

"Oh." There was a long pause.

"Only joking. We really are from Earth," said Penny.

"Ha, ha," laughed Zaphod. "I knew that. So, Earthchicks, what are you doing on our space ship?"

"I suggested it," said Leah.

"Oh yeah, it was you, wasn't it? Well thanks a whole lot, my hand are killing me from all this writing," said Penny.

"Holy Crap!" said Marion.

"It would be nice if you called me Mimi and not Marion," said Marion to Penny.

"I haven't called you either," said Penny, bewildered.

"Yes, you did!"

"When?"

"Just now!"

"That's in the narrative, you aren't supposed to be able to read it."

"Well, I am!"

"Well, try not to let it bother you too much."

"Alright."

There was a long pause.

"What?" asked Arthur.

"Oh, nothing," said Penny. "It was just Marion needed more lines."

"Ah," said Ford. "Gambling debts, was it?"

"What? No," said Penny.

"Drinking game?"

"…No.."

"Wild party?"

"No!"

"Ah," Ford amended, "I take it back. I've no idea what you were talking about.

"Nevermind. It's not important."

(It really wasn't, you know. It's what comes from not planning ahead. I tried to give Marion some lines using a cheesy device and it blew up in to this whole half a page of Ford speaking nonsense. And then you have to go around explaining everything in brackets. Well, nevermind, it's not important.)

During all this bracketing, Leah had been having a rather interesting conversation with Ford on the merits and demerits of fish and or fishes.

Melvin –I mean- Marvin the android had been sitting quietly in the corner scanning Marion's brain. He went over to her to compliment her on her fanfiction. "It's just so utterly depressing," he sighed happily.

In the midst of this all, Arthur shouted "Look! Something's happening! I think it may be important!"

Even Trillian looked up from being an under mentioned, underdeveloped character to see.

"Well," said Arthur sheepish now that everyone was staring at him. "No one was talking to me and I got nervous."

"What a dumb monkey," Zaphod commented. "Computer?

The computer flashed and made some noises. "Hi there! I'd just love to answer any question you guys might have!"

"Yeah, super," said Zaphod impatiently. "We're going to take a slight detour on this little revenge mission of mine.

Ford looked up with a mitt on his head. "Where did I get a mitt from?"

"That's mine," said Arthur hastily. "I was just cooking some chicken."

"Oh," said Ford. "Why is it on my head?"

This question was never answered as the Heart of Gold had just pulled in to a space port.

"Wow! Look at the sign!" Trillian gasped.

The sign to which she was referring to was a six mile long, twenty meter tall luminous one which read, 'Go Stick Your Head in a Pig'.

Zaphod opened the exit of the space ship, pushed Marvin –that is, Melvin- -that is, Marvin-, out and hastily took off.

"No, Melvin!!" cried Marion. "I mean Marvin!!"

"No Mimi!" cried Marvin.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnno!"

"Nothing good ever happens to me," said Marvin bitterly. "I have this terrible pain in the diodes along my left side." He watched the ship fly off into the night's sky.

On board the ship, everyone was trying to comfort Marion and Ford baked her some nice chocolate chip and chicken cookies. Arthur appeared to be very upset about something and kept muttering the word 'chicken' but Marion felt much better and drew a large happy face on a paper in raspberry scented marker. She also flirted Ford some.

"Hey there, handsome," said Marion with her best 'come-hither' pose.

"I feel incredibly out of character," whined Marion. "Write me better."

"I'm so whiny and flirtatious and angry," she went on. "This sucks so bad."

"Well, I'll try to make you more happy but I feel I was doing a pretty good job," said Penny defensively. "Other than the flirting with Ford bit which was a little gross considering the age difference. But I'll try to make you better next story."

"You'd better," threatened Marion and PUNCHED her in the gut!

"Oh no!" Penny giggled. "Not another GUT full of FIST!"

"What the crap's happened to this story?" someone wondered.

THE END


	2. AUTHOR'S NOTE

AUTHOR'S NOTE

I hope you liked that. And I hope you notice how I cleverly put the author's note at the end! Clever, clever. First of all, since this is fanfiction, disclaimers should be entirely irrelevant. Of course this isn't mine! It's Douglas Adams! Stop rubbing it in!

The title Fifty Pickles and a Fish was supposed to be a place holder but the was nothing to hold to the place so I kept it.

Thank you Leah and Marion for saying funny things when I'm trying to write. It helps a lot.

Make sure and read Fifty More Pickles and a Larger Fish. It's all written and ready, I just have to type it out.


End file.
